BOYS WILL BE UGLY SOMETIMES – It’s a Saturday morning, and like every other weekend, I lie in bed drenched in sweat and my thighs slick with my fluids. I’ve fallen into temptation again and pleasured myself. Whenever it happens, I know my day will be unproductive. Today won’t be an exception – I can already tell.
As I slowly drift into sleep, my phone starts ringing and I can see my mom’s name on the screen. I take in a deep breath as I tap the ‘answer’ icon.
“Hello mummy. Good morning ma”
“Greatie, good morning. How are you? How is school and studies going?”
“Fine ma. We thank God” I wince as I say it. After indulging in sin, I avoid saying the Lord’s name. I know He’s usually disappointed in me and calling His name feels like I’m tainting Him with my filth.
We talk for a few minutes, Mom slipping in prayers here and there. I, on the other hand, stumble over Amens. If only she knew the sort of sinner I’ve become.
“Okay na, let me allow you to sleep. You still sound sleepy. Take care oo and read your books. Don’t forget the house you come from. I’m always praying for you and your younger ones. Your name is Great. May you do great things in life in Jesus name”
This time, I can’t bring myself to answer ‘Amen’ and can only manage a ‘thank you ma’.
After I end the call, I stare up at the ceiling till my vision turns blurry. Tears of shame roll down my face. I hate how much of a disgrace I’ve become. I hate how my mom only sees the best in me and is always talking about how I will be great in life. Sometimes I just want to scream into the phone “Mummy, your son is a porn addict and chronic masturbator. I’m not great and I will never be!”
I’ve been battling with it for over seven years. What had started of as curiosity has now become chains that I can’t escape. Sometimes, I can stay away for days, or weeks, but it’s never for long. I always come crashing back into it.
It is a drug, intoxicating and addictive. Whenever I indulge, it feels like I’m the highest, riding the waves of ecstasy. But when I climax, it’s a massive fall into reality. Regrets and depression talk a hold of me, and all I can think about is how empty and worthless my life feels.
This addiction is a cancer, chewing away at my potential and will. I’ve always had a think for vlogging and creating contents and decided to get into it. I opened a TikTok account and started making vlogs. Overtime, I amassed over three hundred followers. It wasn’t much, but I knew I was headed in the right direction. I was sure that in the nearest future, I would’ve established myself as one of the top content creators in the country.
I was never an overtly confident person. I was always second-guessing all I did, always having the feeling that all my efforts would amount to nothing. I started doubting my abilities and became inconsistent with making videos.
It was during this time that I suffered a heavy relapse. It became something I did everyday, sometimes I did it three times in a day. I could hardly focus on anything – not on my studies and definitely not on my vlogging. I felt my little achievements start to crumble but I was too far gone to try and save anything. I stopped making contents altogether and my account was dormant for months. Recently, I checked and saw that my followers were dwindling.
As I think of all this, I start sobbing. I turned 21 last year and here I was, wasting away and being miserable. I could see myself turning 30 with no direction, no purpose. I see my relatives looking down on me, and my mom crying over me at night, wondering where she’d gone wrong, not knowing that it was all my doing.
I really want to change. To pull myself together and make a life worth living for myself. But, it’s like trying to roll a stone up a hill – whenever I make any progress, just one mistake is enough to send me tumbling down.
What if there wasn’t any way out and I’m cursed or doomed to be like this forever? What if salvation is just out of reach and the Lord has finally had it with me? I mean, I haven’t prayed in a long time. It’s obvious I’m out of His good graces.
He’s not angry. He misses you and wants you to come to Him.
My mind went back to this message that I’d heard on the bus last week. I hadn’t given it much thought them, but now that it came back , I let it sit with me.
What if I’ve just been the one pushing the Lord away? What if all that I needed to do was reach out to Him and tell Him of my plight, tell Him that I wanted a change?
I was overwhelmed and I needed freedom. I had no idea what to do and all that I could think of then was to pray. As I slid out of my bed and onto the ground, I started mumbling words. They didn’t make much sense, but that was all I could bring myself to say.
I was hoping He’d understand, not just my words but my intentions. I’m only a human in search of relief and emancipation.
⦁ Okeoghene Oghenemaro (Rhevah’s Scribbles 🌬️🍃
